100 best smart jokes you would love

100 best smart jokes you would love

  1. My boyfriend thinks I’m beautiful. Well they do say that love is blind!
  2. Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
  3. What did the young witch say to her mother? Can I have the keys to the broom tonight?
  4. The last time I saw a face like yours I threw it a banana.
  5. Who does Dracula get letters from? His fang club.
  6. Q: How many editors does it take to change a light bulb? A: If we change the light bulb, we’ll have to change everything.
  7. What’s a dog favourite hobby? Collecting fleas!
  8. Teacher: Name six wild animals. Pupil: Four elephants and two lions!
  9. Abortion: A baby can live without it!
  10. Policeman: Why are you driving on the sidewalk? Motorist: It’s too dangerous on the street.
  11. If you’re not rich, it’s because you think like a poor person. Love rich people and you will become like them.
  12. What’s a shy and retiring accountant? An accountant who is half a million shy and that’s why he’s retiring.
  13. Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? – A: It stole the show!
  14. Men are like coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
  15. Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
  16. Q2: What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? A: Rep Tiles
  17. Frankenstein: Help, I’ve got a short circuit! Igor: Don’t worry, I’ll lengthen it.
  18. Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air? Because eggs were going up!
  19. To a Cat, People are just Furniture that does Tricks.
  20. My new baby is the image of his father. Never mind. just so long as he’s healthy.
  21. Why don’t apples smile when you go bobbing? Because they’re crab apples!
  22. What do you get if you cross a telephone and a marriage bureau? A wedding ring!
  23. If you drop this book in a pig pen, what should you do? Take the words out of their mouths.
  24. Even the woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head and keeps pecking away until he finishes the job he starts.
  25. Why is it so wet in Great Britain? Because of all the kings and queens that reigned (rained) there.
  26. Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat? Cats can’t drive!
  27. You said this horse could jump as high as a ten foot fence and he can’t jump at all. Well neither can a fence!
  28. Everyone makes mistakes, that why pencil have erasers
  29. Redneck Tip: Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  30. FARMER: Who raided my vegetable patch? PIGLET: Beets me!
  31. What would you hear at a cow concert? Moo-sic!
  32. What would you get if you crossed a skunk with a type of Easter candy? Smelly beans!
  33. How do you get a Texas Tech senior’s eyes to sparkle? Shine a flashlight in his ears.
  34. What insect lives on nothing? A moth, because it eats holes
  35. What dog has money? A bloodhound, because he is always picking up scents (cents).
  36. Keep your rosaries off my ovaries
  37. Chaos, panic & disorder – my work here is done
  38. What is the wasps’ favorite song? Just a Spoonful of Sugar.
  39. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
  40. Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup! Then we’ve served you too much soup, the fly should be wading
  41. What do they call a meeting among the most brilliant people in Burger Land? A MEATing of the minds!
  42. Why did the boy become an astronaut? Because he was no earthly good!
  43. What do you call an aardvark good with a light saber? A darthvark!
  44. Can you show me how to use the Internet? I’d better – otherwise you’ll just go round and round in circles.
  45. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
  46. Birdwatching by Jack Daw
  47. You don’t become enormously successful without encountering and overcoming a number of extremely challenging problems.
  48. Life is a Banquet… So EAT ME!
  49. Take your ex out tonight. One bullet ought to do it!
  50. Why do firemen wear red suspenders? To keep their pants up.
  51. Knock Knock. Who’s there! Ben and Anna! Ben and Anna who? Ben and Anna split!
  52. Did you hear about the monster who had an extra pair of hands? Where did he keep them? In a handbag.
  53. What’s the difference between a psychologist and a magician? A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!
  54. As the judge said to the dentist: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?
  55. What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas? Santa Claws!
  56. What language do they speak in Cuba? Cubic!
  57. An honest weatherman says, Today’s forecast is bright and sunny with an 80% chance that I’m wrong.
  58. The mountain won’t come to Muhammad. Jesus keeps moving the thing.
  59. Redneck Vocabulary: Doc – A condition caused by the absence of light.
  60. What dog wears a white coat and does science experiments? Labs!
  61. What famous movie did the hamburger meat think of when they took it out of the freezer? They Fry Who Cam in from the Cold!
  62. What do you call 9 blondes in a circle? A dope ring.
  63. I considered atheism but there weren’t enough holidays.
  64. My Daddy says condoms don’t work!
  65. Q: What did one flea say to the other flea when they came out of the movies? – A: Should we walk home or take a dog?
  66. What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective? Santa Clues!
  67. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
  68. What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework? A firequaker!
  69. What do snowmen eat for lunch? Icebergers!
  70. Have you seen www.pitchdark.com? Yes, but I really couldn’t see what all the fuss is about.
  71. If King Kong went to Hong Kong to play ping-gong and died, what would they put on his coffin? A lid.
  72. What famous painting do cows love to look at? The Moona Lisa!
  73. Redneck Tip: Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
  74. Your Momma’s so black she got counted absent at night school.
  75. What great song is associated with hamburgers and baseball? ‘Steak Me Out to the Ballgame’!
  76. Honk if you see something fall off.
  77. Now is the time to fix the next ten years.
  78. If you crossed King Kong and a bell, what would you have? A ding-dong King Kong.
  79. Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, that’s a hardware problem.
  80. Diner: What’s wrong with these eggs I ordered? Waiter: Don’t ask me. I only laid the table.
  81. I hate plants.. That’s why I became a vegetarian!
  82. Mother: Jared, get your little sister’s hat out of that puddle. Jared: I can’t mum, she’s got it strapped too tight under her chin!
  83. I got an anonymous letter today. Oh, really – who was it from? !
  84. STOP – Squeal tires on pavement.
  85. Its lonely at the top… but you do eat better
  86. Did you hear about the idiot who made his chickens drink boiling water? He thought they would lay hard boiled eggs.
  87. Spell mousetrap with three letters. C-A-T
  88. Evolutionists Do It With Increasing Complexity
  89. Knock Knock. Who’s there! Carson! Carson who? Carconogenic!
  90. What do you get if you cross a gorilla and a prisoner? A Kong – vict!
  91. Q: What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? A: Ok you 2, dont start anything
  92. You can make yourself happy or miserable – it’s the same amount of effort.
  93. If a man is talking in the woods, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
  94. Q: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together? A: They heard that under seventeen weren’t admitted!
  95. What do you call an aardvark that’s good at golf? A paredvark!
  96. What did the baby dolphin do when he didn’t get his way? He whale-d
  97. Live fast, die young. Leave a good looking corpse.
  98. If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders, who supported Atlas? His wife!
  99. Some days it’s just not worth gnawing through the straps
  100. Knowledge is proud that he has learn’d so much;